and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
