Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
