Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
