It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
