I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
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She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
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I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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