using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
