So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
