i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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