Someone shit on the floor
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
