He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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