he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
