When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
