either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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