I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
