I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
