if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
