No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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