no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
