or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
