so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
