See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
