Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
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