I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
