god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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