ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
