Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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