On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
