; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
