I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I fill condoms, not promises.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
