i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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