Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
