I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
