she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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