i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
