my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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