I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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