I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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