i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
