I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
