the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
smell my finger.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
