im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
