he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
