Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i dont even know how to be here
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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