Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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