i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
