Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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