Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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