it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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