drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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