how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
