I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
