Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
