just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
