today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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