dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
