It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
