rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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