This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
