fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
